I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
