For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
