she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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