Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I want a musical about memes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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