I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it's great music for shaving your balls
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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