Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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