3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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