I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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