i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
