Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
