i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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