how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
