I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
