I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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