A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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