Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
