i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
