Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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