Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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