Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
