If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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