I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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