Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
