Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
well I can't set my house on fire every night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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