haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
