There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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