The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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