it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
