1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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