I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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