24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
