mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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