does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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