More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
