Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
