if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
