I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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