yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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