sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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