My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dicks are not precious.
I came so hard my ears popped.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
