My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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