cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
