We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
