Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
