The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
