I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
