We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
