just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
