barbara walters just said penis...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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