There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
