Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
