I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
