I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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