I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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